Please Don't Feed the Sarlacc
as answered by Janet, Justin, Joel, & Lori
March 24, 2003
[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]
Dear Newmoanyeah:
 For some reason, people feel the need to periodically toss other people into my gaping maw of an orifice. Not to sound unappreciative of the free food or anything, but why does this happen? (Bipedal humanoids really are strange creatures.)
Sincerely,
Sarlacc of the Great Pit of Carkoon
Dear Sarlacc:
Because it's much too difficult to shove them up your ass.
Janet Choi, Sweet & Sour Editor
Dear Sarlacc:
I'm not sure the exact reason behind it, but I'm sure it somehow involves George Lucas making more money.
Justin Montanino, Post Humorous Staff Writer
Dear Great Pit:
Clearly you suffer from an oral fixation stemming from some traumatic event involving your mouth and whatever sick shit you stuck in it during your childhood. Or, maybe your momma just breast fed you too long. Which is it, Carkoon boy? Did Uncle Bill make you slurp down his 'bipedal humanoid' manhood, or was mommy just an overbearing bitch who kept shoving her mammary glands in your face?
In either case, if they ask you to appear in the new Star Wars movie, blackmail Mr. Lucas for more money; tell him you've got the pictures that prove he never successfully completed his anal stage...
Joel Why, Curious Staff Writer
Yo Sarlacc:
Have you been reading the newspapers lately? There's this thing we like to call the 'environment' that we're trying to take care of. We're pushing this thing called 'recycling,' and you, my friend have been designated as one of our Head Recyclo Dudes. Congratulations, man, and keep up the the good work!
Definitely Not A Mafia Spokesperson,
Lori Shea, Smoof Like (Butta)fly Staff Writer
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