[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]

Dear Newmoanyeah:

Was Waterworld REALLY that bad for my career?

Sincerely,
K. Costner

Can you really ask that about a movie that amounts to a Marine World action movie?

The long answer: There's a scene in Waterworld where an old man in a boat inside an oil tanker watches in calm relief as a match flutters to the surface of the crude, his final words being "Oh, thank God," as he was drowned out by the ensuing fireball. His was the only career that Waterworld wasn't bad for. For example, Jack Black of Tenacious D fame was in that. Do you remember his role? No? Exactly.

The short answer: Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. And so was Dragonfly, Message In A Bottle, The Postman, and everything you've taken part in since JFK.

Johnathan Mason, JapaNerd Staff Writer

I know that I have proven myself many times on this website to be slightly insane, but I have to tell you... I liked Waterworld. Granted, it's been 8 years since I've seen it (yes, I saw it in the theatre) but I remember being impressed by your vision of what the future could be like. I remember being very angry with all those scientists type that pointed out that even if all the polar ice caps would melt, the water wouldn't cover the land. Who the hell cares? It's a movie, not a scientific paper. If an asteroid was ever hurling towards Earth, they wouldn't send out a bunch of oil riggers to break it up. And that was a very popular movie, wasn't it? Who listened to the damned scientists then?

Anyway... I say, Good Job, Locksley!

Kerri Skarfe, Otherworldly Staff Writer

Hi. I'm Paul Reubens. That's right, Mr. Pee Wee Herman. Think back to July 26, 1991. I was riding high on my Playhouse career when I was arrested for indecent exposure. More specifically, I was jerking off in a porn theater. After a minor banishment from Hollywood, I came back with roles in Batman Returns, the critically acclaimed Blow, and I opened the freaking 1991 MTV Music Video Awards!

To reiterate, I was a children's TV host, got caught fondling myself in public, and I still made a comeback. I looked you up in IMDB.com though, and saw that your most recent credits include Shirtless: Hollywood's Sexiest Men and six other projects where you displayed your acting chops by playing "Himself". Ok, Dragonfly was in there too, but that's not helping your case any.

My recommendation: get caught with a hooker. Best thing Hugh Grant ever did for his career.

Paul Reubens, sitting in for Lisa Turner, Senior Editor

The answer to your question is obviously yes. Let's face it, you're one bad hair day from being forced to accept a co-starring role with Pauly Shore in a horribly misguided revival of Sanford and Son. I think what you really mean to ask is something like, "Is it fair that Waterworld was as bad for my career as it turned out to be?" That's not what you mean? Well, shut up for a minute, I'm trying to help.

Most talented movie people are allowed one free pass, a single dingy opportunity to become the avatar of crapulence, if only to see what it's like to be Keanu Reeves. Whoa. Dustin Hoffman had Ishtar. (So did Warren Beatty, and it pretty much finished him as a star, but he went and married Annette Bening. He can't have my precious pity.) Denzel Washington had Virtuosity. Even Julia Roberts had Mary Reilly. So how is it that those people are still respected and successful, and you're stung with feelings of rejection when the telemarketer gets tired of chewing the fat and hangs up? And why is a telemarketer cannibalizing Marlon Brando, anyway?

I can't help you with that last one, but the reason Denzel, Julia, and Dustin rebounded is that they observed the first law of American second chances: demonstrate that you've learned from your mistakes. Denzel Washington found out sci-fi wasn't really his thing, and followed up with three movies that evoked the simpler values of earlier times: Devil in a Blue Dress, set in the forties; Courage Under Fire, which wasn't set in the distant past but allowed military personnel to look back to a moment when they didn't loathe their commander-in-chief; and The Preacher's Wife, a remake of a Cary Grant film for Pete's sake. Julia followed up Mary Reilly with Everybody Says I Love You, My Best Friend's Wedding, and Conspiracy Theory, which allowed her to wash that mousy Gothic-doormat heroine right out of her hair with films that returned her to comedy and/or allowed her to re-grow her backbone. Dustin Hoffman followed up Ishtar with Rain Man, and now not even Martha Stewart can make us forget that K-Mart sucks.

You were so close, Kevin. You followed up your over-budgeted, post-apocalyptic mish-mash with Tin Cup. (Hyphens are on special at Lazy Writers Express, can you tell?) Whatever you thought of the movie, Tin Cup was a smart career choice. See, America, I'm still the down-on-his-luck athlete who's resigned to gunning for less lofty goals than he started with. But then what do you do? You follow it up with The Postman, another over-budgeted, post-apocalyptic mish-mash. (That last hyphen was free, by the way). Fool us once, shame on you. Fool us twice, shame on us. That's why nobody saw For the Love of the Game; everybody was afraid you'd sink the profits into a Battlefield Earth sequel. But don't worry. John Travolta doesn't have anything planned this Friday, I'm sure he'd love to come over and just chill.

Matt VanWinkle, Lemurish Staff Writer