Loved for Your 8-bit NES?
as answered by Jay, Missie, Stephen, & Janet
March 10, 2003
[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]
Dear Newmoanyeah:
 Why is it that boys are attracted to me just because i have a working 8-bit NES console with games?
Sincerely,
Nina Tendo
[Real name withheld by request. - Ed.]
Dear Nina:
Here are the current demographics regarding video game players as related to age and gender according to my own unpublished observations:
| Percentage of Game Players |
| Age |
Male |
Female |
| 12-17 |
99% |
1% |
| 18-30 |
99% |
1% |
| 30+ |
99% |
1% |
As you can see, those of the male persuasion whose lives revolve around violent, animated characters have pretty slim pickings in the significant-other pool. Thus, when a female with a gaming console makes herself known, male gamers swarm over her like dieters at a bake sale.
You, however, have the added benefit of having not just a video game console but one of the most classic pieces of gaming hardware to ever grace a television set. Hell, most of the gamers who are familiar with that particular piece of gaming history are probably approaching that desperate age when they realize that they have no one and have wasted their life. As long as you hold onto your NES, you'll never be lacking for pathetic, middle-aged, lonely men with carpal tunnel syndrome. Can I have your number?
Jay Mastaitis, Tastes-Like-Burning Staff Writer
Dear Nina:
The thing is that video game systems and games are to men what shoes are to women. So your NES system is the equivalent of a guy with an amazing pair of vintage Italian leather boots, with NO scuffs, just SITTING in his closet. AND they're your size. Or pretty close -- there really is no shoe too small if they're fabulous enough. And these are.
Mmmmmmmm... hypothetical boots.
Missie Horal, Scattagoric Staff Writer
Dear Nina:
A fully functional 8-bit NES, you say? WITH games? Do you have the original Rygar? (Spider-sense tingling... between my legs!)
Err, that is to say, I think you underestimate yourself. I'm sure the boys are all actually attracted to you. The shiny, Ark-of-the-covenant-like, 8-bit NES console complete with games is just the frosting on the cake.
Stephen Lin, Editor-in-Chief
Dear Nina:
Er... sorry to rain on your popularity parade but boys aren't attracted to you because you have a working 8-bit NES console with games. In fact, they aren't attracted to you at all. They're attracted to your working 8-bit NES console. Durr. They're only using you to gain access to the old-school games. Wake up!
What's that? You dare doubt me? Get rid of the NES and see what happens. Just don't blame me when your social life is as dead as Mr. Rogers.
Janet Choi, Sweet & Sour Editor
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