[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]

Dear Newmoanyeah:

What's the best way to get back stage and meet the band at a rock concert?

Sincerely,
Groupie Doll
[Real name withheld by request. - Ed.]

If you're female, dress to accentuate your femininity. Once you arrive at the venue, find a roadie or the security guard by the backstage area and offer your services. I know... it sounds cliche but I used to work in the music industry and I swear it's the only tried and true method.

If you're a guy, don't attempt the above unless you want an ass kicking. You could instead try the more controversial method of toting a gun to the show and threatening your way backstage. But only if you have a clean record.

Janet Choi, Sweet & Sour Editor

Joel Why, Curious Staff Writer

Short answer: boobs. Slightly longer answer: get a press pass and fancy shmancy camera and fast-talk your way back. Last ditch effort: there's probably a sewer entrance somewhere that you can make use of.

Really though, the question is why do you want to get backstage at all? Chances are you'll just see someone you adore/idolize/want-to-lick-from-top-to-bottom acting like an ass. You'll be ignored or treated like crap, and your dreams will be crushed. Don't go backstage. In fact, skip the concert altogether. Stay home with the CD, some scented candles and a quality lubricant and retreat into the fantasy world where you and your beloved rock the casbah something fierce.

Lisa Turner, Groovalicious Editor

The key is getting past the security guard. You could try reasoning with him and explaining your situation, but that's like trying to get Professor Xavier to do a somersault. I suggest you drop to your knees and show off why you really deserve to be backstage.

Justin Montanino, Post Humorous Staff Writer