Losing Your Virginity
as answered by Anonymous, Lori, Johnathan, & Kerri
February 3, 2003
[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]
Dear Newmoanyeah:
 What's a good age to lose your virginity?
Sincerely,
Un-deflowered
[Real name withheld by request. - Ed.]
Dear Un-deflowered:
This is really more of a personal decision, not one to be handled by a gaggle of sinful and heartless writers. But since you asked…
Guys have an evolutionary obligation to lose their virginity as soon as possible. If this were 400000000000000BC you would be dead by 13, so it's best to permeate those genes as often and as early as possible. Any minute it could all end in between the jaws of a saber-toothed whooly rhino. You could always grab a teet on your way down the hatch, but it just isn't the same.
Women, on the other hand, should wait until they've found 'The One.' If you sleep with a man who you don't intend to spend the rest of your days with, then you're basically pre-cheating on the future love of your life. And what woman could be so selfish…?
This might seem like a contradiction. If all the decent, upstanding women are keeping it to themselves, how are guys supposed to sleep around? Luckily, evolution has once again provided the answer. We call them sorority girls.
So there you have it. If you decide to go ahead with this experiment and would like to submit some pictures I'm sure we can get Editor Steve to run a follow-up. Good luck!
Anonymous
Dear Un-deflowered:
Never. Never ever. That's right, you should never lose your virginity. It's not like losing a set of house keys that you can get spare copies of later. You should treat your virginity very well. Feed it, clothe it, provide it shelter, cuddle it, and keep it on a leash when you walk through traffic, just like a puppy. Be nice and kind to your virginity. Buy it yummy treats.
When you do choose to say 'toodles!' to virginity, there's something very important to keep in mind besides the obvious stuff like trusting your partner, feeling comfortable, and making sure you're both as protected and safe as possible. You've got to remember to 'know thyself.' Before you start having adventures with other people, you should be rendevous-ing on your own. Because if you can't blow your own hair back, how can you expect anyone else to?
Lori Shea, Smoof Like Butta(fly) Staff Writer
Dear Un-deflowered:
Virgin? Bah. Virgin's just the type of olive oil you should be using in the missionary position. You're legally free to come as soon as you come of legal age. Ride that burning tide of lust between your legs and feel free -- no, obligated -- to quench that desire with as many partners as you can find, in as many positions and locations as possible. The reason? Who ever heard of sacrificing a whore to a dark god, or some vampire preying on the blood of young sluts? The sooner and more rapidly you get laid, the more unnattractive you become to the forces of evil. So 69 ASAP... the ass you tap may save your life.
Johnathan Mason, JapaNerd Staff Writer
Dear Un-deflowered:
Ha! Keep dreaming, friend!!
Ok, Ok. I'll be nice. 42.
Feel better now?
Kerri Skarfe, Otherworldly Staff Writer
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