Board Game Loser
as answered by Jay, Janet, Joel, & Lisa
January 25, 2003
[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]
Dear Newmoanyeah:
 I'm TERRIBLE at board games and I always lose. Do you have any good strategies or helpful hints for common games like Monopoly, Clue, Trivial Pursuit or otherwise?
Sincerely,
Joe Suck
[Real name withheld by request. - Ed.]
Dear Mr. Suck:
First, you need to ask yourself "What kind of game player am I?" The average game player usually falls in between one of these two extremes:
- The Brain
You know the type. They know more trivia than Alex Trebek. They revel in using the four-move checkmate against you. In Axis & Allies, they can conquer the world with Japan. With years of constant practice and dedication, you might be able to force a draw.
- The Roller
These are the luckiest bastards on the face of the earth. Need a double six? Got it! Need the eight of hearts to win? Next draw! Have to shoot the moon to win? It falls right into their lap! There is no way to beat these people at games of chance…unless you cheat.
Once you determine which type of player you are closest to, try to influence the game selection. Are you lucky? Feign exhaustion when Trivial Pursuit is brought up. Master Planner? Say you need more of a challenge than just boring, old Monopoly. Try to play to your strength.
Now in the event that you have a group of people with a particular affection for one type of game, I have found that throwing a temper tantrum at the end of a particularly heinous loss is a good way of changing it around.
Jay Mastaitis, Tastes-Like-Burning Staff Writer
Dear Mr. Suck:
Sorry, I don't because I'm an adult with a life and don't play board games. However, I do have a good strategy for what to do when you lose: upturn the board, just to show how unfair it is that you've lost yet again. If possible, upturn the entire table.
Janet Choi, Sweet & Sour Editor
Dear Mr. Suck:
Monopoly: Always use the iron.
Clue: That Mustard guy's a real asshole. He probably did it.
Trivial Pursuit: Answer everything in the form of a question.
Hungry-Hungry Hippos: The suggested age of the game is 3 - 6. Chances are that once you reach puberty you'll be able to kick the shit out of your opponents.
Joel Why, Curious Staff Writer
Dear Mr. Suck:
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh...
Lisa Turner, Groovalicious Editor
[Okay, Lisa didn't really write this as she's MIA, but she's really said this before! - Ed.]
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