LotR: Two Towers Stupidity
as answered by Missie, Johnathan, Jennifer, & Kenny
January 16, 2003
[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]
Dear Newmoanyeah:
 What is up with these jackasses that think Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers is a reference to September 11th? How can we educate these morons?
Sincerely,
Pissedoffo Baggins
[Real name withheld by request. - Ed.]
Dear Mr. Baggins:
We must first consider our audience we wish to educate. These are people who must have been living on the moon, in a cave, with their eyes shut and fingers in their ears, to not have realized that LotR: The Two Towers was the actual name of the book on which the movie is based. A book I might add that was written more than 50 years ago. Doing some quick math in my head, I feel fairly certain that the books title existed BEFORE 9/11/01. To be fair, math has never been my strongest subject. What these "morons", as well as we, may want to consider is the more obvious, yet more disturbing, explanation for the "coincidental" title. That is that Mr. Tolkien obviously predicted the 9/11 attacks oh so many years ago. I read this epiphany in Star, so I know it must be true.
Missie Horal, Scattagoric Staff Writer
Dear Mr. Baggins:
Education is the right word, because knowledge is power. Show them all the fansites depicting various members of the Fellowship in male-male relationships. They'll still be angry, but for an entirely different reason. And I guarantee that the Two Towers will take on a whole new meaning for these people.
Johnathan Mason, JapaNerd Staff Writer
Dear Mr. Baggins:
People who compare the LOTR: The Two Towers and the tragedy of September 11th are the same people who actually believe all the crap about the similarities between Lincoln's and Kennedy's assassinations.
These people cannot be educated because they are already so "blinded" that they haven't bothered to get any more information. They haven't read the books or seen the movie, so they have nothing to base this decision on. They should count themselves lucky that we don't get out our bows and swords and get "middle-earth" on their butts...
If you must try to speak to these people, you could try giving them a copy of the first book; they might try to give you a Bible or something so you might want to be careful there. I would also suggest the National Geographic site which has a nice timeline of Tolkien's life and works. Or we could just tie them to chairs and force them to watch the first movie (Directors Cut, of course) and hope that they'll understand some of it.
Jennifer Saylor, Comic Conventional Staff Writer
Dear Mr. Baggins:
I think there is one "Lord Jackass" who's presiding over all this nonsense. This is the same brilliant theorist who uncovered that "9/11" in a certain windings font kinda, sorta, in a not-too-convincing way resembles the two towers. A few weeks ago one of his minions asked me "Why would anyone be so insensitive as to write a novel called The Two Towers and make a movie of it so soon after September 11th?" All hail Lord Jackass.
Kenny Hamshaw, Caucassianal Staff Writer
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