Soiled Yourself at Work?
as answered by Matt, Janet, Doug, & Kerry
January 11, 2003
[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]
Dear Newmoanyeah:
 That nasty vomit and diarrhea inducing flu bug is going around my office. One of my co-workers accidentally crapped himself. Hypothetically, if that were to happen to me, what would be the best way to disguise the fact that I soiled myself at work?
Sincerely,
Don't-Want-to-Crap-Myself (DWtCM)
[Real name withheld by request. - Ed.]
Dear DWtCM:
I'm spectacularly allergic to Brazil nuts and, somewhat less spectacularly, peanuts as well. I can always tell that I've accidentally ingested one or the other because by tongue starts itching. Once, I was eating a brownie just as I was starting a hospital-worthy allergic reaction to some paint I'd touched (long story.) Interestingly, my tongue started itching furiously in spite of the fact that what I was eating wasn't the problem.
The point of this story is that the body can be tricked, in Pavlovian fashion, to confuse the source of an unpleasant experience. Should an unfortunate excremental interlude jeopardize your standing at the office, I would advise immediately throwing a Michael Bolton CD into the sound system. Your co-workers will find themselves thinking "Wow, that's crappy," but attribute it to the music instead of to actual feces. Should your office prohibit the playing of music, just mention to anyone who wanders within olfactory distance that you "hear Michael Bolton's working on a new album." That should do the trick.
Matt VanWinkle, Lemurish Staff Writer
Dear DWtCM:
Invest in a supply of "Oops, I Crapped My Pants," then keep a terrifying dog by your desk and blame any foul odors on it. No one questions terrifying dogs.
Janet Choi, Sweet & Sour Editor
Dear DWtCM:
This actually happened to a friend of mine. At the time he said, "All I could do was to tie a sweatshirt around my waist and try to keep the boss away from my cube, which at that point smelled like a slaughterhouse."
Doug Mahoney, I-Like-Bungle Editor
Dear DWtCM:
Tie your sweater/sweatshirt/jacket around your waist (girls are taught this trick around the age of 12 -- give or take a year for her to "become a woman"), and go home. That's what they give you sick days for. Your co-workers don't want to smell your stinky-ass waifting from your cubicle walls.
Kerry Sainato, Fuzzy Pink Staff Writer
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