Keeping New Year's Resolutions
as answered by Kerri, Manolo, Lori, & Paul
January 4, 2003
[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]
Dear Newmoanyeah:
 Do you know any sure fire ways of keeping a New Year's resolution?
Sincerely,
Meh Watteffer
[Real name withheld by request. - Ed.]
Dear Meh:
I am qualified to answer your question this year, dear reader, since for the first time ever, I kept an entire resolution throughout the entire calendar year of 2002!!! You can do it too in 2003 - just follow the simple steps I did...
On January 13th, after you have had time to contemplate what you would like to resolve for the year, write down your list. Your list should be:
- Between 0 and 1.5 resolutions long.
- Written in pencil on a thin paper towel, preferably damp.
- In English words of 4 letters and under, using as many vague or varied-meaning words as possible. Feel free to misspell or create typos as this will help.
Place the list inside an envelope, seal it up, and put it in the freezer for safekeeping.
If, at some point during the year, you realize that someone has asked you to break your resolution, hold firm. Close your eyes and don't get out of the car. (That's what I did!)
On December 31, 2003, when you're going into the freezer for your third vodka and tonic, open the envelope. Read every third word of the resolution out loud to your cat. If your cat doesn't reply, your resolution was kept! Congratulations!!!
Kerri Skarfe, Otherwordly Staff Writer
Dear Meh:
This year, instead of saying "all that jazz" pick a different genre of music. like "all that new wave bubble goth lo fi indie bands influenced by the cure." This is assuming you never say "all that jazz" in the first place. But what is New Year's all about anyway? It's not some over-commercialized day that businesses can capitalize on. I think Charlie Brown's New Year's special said it best when they said it was the one holiday terrorists can festively get together and yell "Ho ha! Made you look!"
Manolo Moreno, A Non-Ukranian Staff Writer
Dear Meh:
Yes, indeedy. Your main New Year's Resolution should be: "I vow to break all my other New Year's Resolutions" which should be things like, "No more chocolate," "no more late-night partying," other stupid stuff like that. So when you're stuffing that Hershey's chocolate bar in your mouth or staggering in at 5am, you can think to yourself: "YES! I am sticking to my most important resolution to break all other resolutions!"
Otherwise, just make resolutions that are virtually impossible to break, like, "I vow to not eat liver and cottage cheese all year!" or "I vow not to read Moby Dick more than once a week!" Easy!
Happy New Year!
Lori Shea, Smoof Like Butta(fly) Staff Writer
Dear Meh:
Not really...
You could try tattooing whatever it is to your chest Memento-style so you're reminded of it every time you step out of the shower and look in the mirror.
Paul Shim, PoetTech Staff Writer
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