It was a last minute stolen idea to do a review on an alcoholic beverage. And even more impulsively, I thought I should do it on the drunken effects various brands would give you. First product: a review on drinking alone with a bottle of Ketel One Vodka. I guess a key in doing a review on an alcoholic beverage is to drink just enough so you remember what went on. Yeah I was dumb enough to find it adventurous to get drunk alone for the first time, but I was also smart enough to write everything down as this happened.

According to the Notes
I described the first shot like how a usual shot of vodka would be. "Vaporous rubbing alcohol hallowing out your head with stomach acids" which sort of reminded me of high school when it was the drink of choice and the only semblance to a chaser was saying "wow, that was shitty." "Yet," according to the notes, "soon afterwards I salivate to its smoothness."

I continued to write that the idea of drinking alone was not only sad and pathetic, but it was also boring and uneventful. The basic rule is that it takes forty five minutes for the effects of liquor to rape you, which meant there was a lot of downtime. I waited for the next shot of Ketel One and the written analysis that would follow.

Intervals of Waiting
Much like what I would do in the waiting room of a dentist's office, I read the label of the liquor bottle. It boasts something along the lines of being traditionally hand made and distributed in limited quantities since King Arthur was president. Alcohol labels generally articulate the romance, history, and sophistication of drinks that eventually has you dancing to frat boy music and throwing up on people whose laps you normally wouldn't throw up in. Because distilling liquor is a celebrated art form, the label shows a picture of a man shoveling coal into a furnace -- I guess to show that drunk drivers back then drove trains. Four minutes has gone by and the boredom pulled another shot down the hatch.

As the intervals of shots wore on, the drinks produced the classic post shot twinge. This involves one of your muscles doing a spasm. It's an involuntary event, but I'm sure parts of your body are waiting for their cue to make you look like a dork. After one I wrote: "and I'm mysteriously compelled to paint a giant picture of an electric egg beater."

Descent into Sadness
By then my handwriting melted into a mess that looked like the journal of an observant rainforest explorer with down syndrome. There were highlights noting which shots were significant - the points where I did a gagging cough afterwards, or what level of drunkenness I was on at the time: "Music is on so I practice the robot." I also explored the different shot-taking styles like plugging my nose, in hopes of getting rid of the taste: "There wasn't much of a difference other than looking more girly."

Aesthetically Displeasing
After some drinks I would take digital pictures of myself to see if there would be any aesthetic changes the gradual intake of Ketel One would give me. I was unlike most Asians whose indication of drunkenness was being red faced, and I was able to thank my Spanish heritage for that. According to my family tree, those branches are connected to beer bongs. This meant my "pictures of alcoholic progression" were worthless and if you bound them all into flip book form, you'd see the animation of an idiot staring into space. When I realized this idea wasn't going anywhere, I noted that I tussled my hair around for a picture. And I went shirtless by the final one. I still looked how I looked sober. Just fleshier. This didn't mean I wasn't drunk: "The shot I just took was taken in a way where my tonsils accidentally burn... A half hour later I take another shot. This time required plugging the nose. And I'm probably drunk."

By then I guessed that a bad drink is a drink that makes you throw up quick. And a good one is one you like so much you would be drinking it until you did throw up. This isn't to say I threw up, but I did make a decision by the last shot of Ketel One Vodka: "I just realize it is rather shitty."