Everyone knows there's nothing quite as sobering as the notion of a loved one dying. Everyone... except Ozzy Osbourne. No, for Ozzy that is too terrifying to handle sober, so he doesn't. It would almost be too heartbreaking to watch if it wasn't for a creepy guy named "Robert". But wait.

First Thing's First
The new (and apparently last) season of MTV's most popular series, "The Osbournes," begins with a typical scene of Ozzy and his amusing antics. "Hello? Sharon?" a befuddled Ozzy mutters into his cell phone. Like a broken record. He finally hands the phone to a man named "Tony" to get his beloved wife/manager/caretaker on the line. Without redialing, Tony says, "Hello? Yes. Thank you." then hands Ozzy the phone. "Hello? Hello? Huh-hello??"

And so it starts again.

Now, This is Reality
The reason why this successful series is coming to a close is because of Sharon Osbourne's highly publicized bout with colon cancer. No one wants the stress of a weekly series while in treatment, much less have every bad moment captured on tape. It is still very early on and Sharon is still relatively healthy, her sense of humor as sharp as ever. A conversation with herself:

"Oh, Sharon, how's your asshole doing today?"
"It's so much better, thank you."
[insert hearty laughter]

Oh. Them Again.
The kids who chose to be on the show (for some odd reason, oldest daughter Aimee opted not to be seen as a bumbling idiot on a weekly basis) return as bumbling idiots. Well, mainly Jack, who plays one of those violent video games boys like so much in a helmet and gas mask, and jumps off a pier and messes up his arm. (Sharon quips, "They should just put us all in a hospital ward.") Although, having a single called "Shut Up" with lyrics that go "blah blah blahblahblahblahblahblahblah" isn't exactly the high road either, Kelly.

I Fart In Your General Direction
Upon learning that Sharon has been stricken with cancer, Ozzy relapses (if he was even clean in the first place) and starts drinking to numb the pain. Because Sharon was diagnosed only weeks before the Ozzfest tour got underway, Ozzy is left to tour without her, a daunting and dangerous prospect. "Robert" is brought on board to offer Ozzy more holistic, less precarious outlets for his pain and fear. Ozzy Osbourne doing yoga? Being read poetry? What, are you nuts??

Ozzy isn't having any of it. While reading some poetry to Ozzy, Robert politely inquires, "Did you just fart while I was reading this poem?" He sure did.

You Mean Your Friend, Satan?
While the tour rolls into town, Ozzy gets to return home for a night, "home" now being their beautiful house on the beach in Malibu. Color me 650 shades of jealous. It's a beautiful house. On the beach. In Malibu. And they go and nearly burn the damn place down! I would be treating that place like the top of a newborn's head. But no. For this family, bumbling antics must ensue. A raging fire in the fireplace begins to smoke. Cue antics and classic quotes.

Sharon: "Look at my Buddha [smoldering on top of the mantle]. It's not meant to smoke."

Sharon, to Ozzy, who's trying to put out the fire w/pots of water: "Doesn't water make it spread?"

Ozzy: "[mumble] my legs nearly got on fire with these bastard candles here. What the fuck? [mumble] Satan while we were away or something?"

The scene is so typical Heartland America, you almost forget they're English until they say something foreign like "fire brigade."

Who Invited Him Anyway?
But hilarity aside, the series has taken on a noticeably somber tone due to Sharon's diagnosis. And it has affected no one harder than Ozzy. Remember the heartbreaking comment? No lie, my eyes welled up with tears when Ozzy said "My heart was breaking every night I sang" and "Life has a way of kicking you in the balls. I had this plan that I'd die before she did. My plan didn't work out. [She hasn't died yet.] She's my whole world. The best lover I've ever had. The best friend I've ever had. The worst friend I've ever had. It's like bread and butter. Sharon and Ozzy."

Then that creepy New Age guy Robert had to go and fuck up the moment.

"If it's any consolation, you'll probably die long before she does," he smirks from the couch.

Cancer Better Run
"I'm gonna kick your fucking ASS" is what Ozzy should've said in reply. But he's chosen to direct his energy toward the real enemy. "We're gonna kick that cancer's fucking ASS!" Ozzy bellows after leaving a loving message for Sharon. If anyone can kick cancer's fucking ass, my bet's on the Prince of Darkness and that fiesty lady of his.