Inconceivable!
To me, the only truly surprising thing about the concept of the action heroine is how long it took the entertainment industry to truly exploit it. By combining both hero and damsel, the movie gets a streamlined package - a gung 'ho that's badass and bootylicious, whose legs are usually spread to easier facilitate planting a stiletto in some henchman's throat. Still, the chicks kicking butt as well as showing it off has always hit a few fatal flaws, mainly that all the explosions and kung-poon action can't obscure that most of these movies are high budget softcore porn. And if you're going to watch something like that, why not simply go all the way and rent real porn? Don't be a pussy about the pussy! The action scenes are probably of a better quality, anyways.

Another snag is the dialogue, delivered in a supposedly sexy manner, ends up sounding like jaded high schoolers forced to read aloud from textbooks, serving only to shuttle the audience along to the next action sequence. And "textbook" certainly describes most of the scenarios in these movies. But, then again, anyone looking for high standards from movies with babes, bullets and bombs deserves every disappointment they get.

As You Wish
Which is why I really, really wanted to like Shurayuki Hime, A.K.A. the Princess Blade. This tasty bird that does the carving arrived just in time for Thanksgiving. It already had a pedigreed background of being based on the manga by Lone Wolf and Cub creator Kazuo Koike as well as the 1970's kung-fu classic Lady Snowblood, plus boasted fight choreography by Donnie Yen (a Hong Kong action legend with a blink-and-you'll-miss-it part in Blade 2). The story itself, a futuristic samurai epic of sorts, promised swordplay and lingering shots of swimsuit model-turned starlet Yumiko Shaku , who allegedly lists internet writers among her turn-ons. Sadly, the overall experience was reminiscent of the last time I followed a pretty face and ended up on a bus headed four towns over: a nice ride with enjoyable scenery, but overall a disappointing mistake that cost me.

Slice of Life
After some groundwork exposition is laid, the movie launches full on into its first hearty action sequence and we're introduced to Yuki, top swordswoman for the government-sponsored assassin clan known as Jianyulei's Family. A girl who needs no Wesley to come for her, this Iniga Montoya and her brothers-in-arms dispatch a caravan of officials. Later, she is sent out by herself to dispose of a defector from the clan; much like mail-order CD clubs, no one leaves Jianyulei's Family alive.

Yet after offing the traitor, Yuki meets a wise old man who hints that her leader may have been responsible for the murder of her mom, who was the former head of the clan. Confronting her leader, Yuki discovers the truth. Before she can utter "You killed my mother. Prepare to die," she ends up evading the business end of her own gang's swords. Finding asylum with suspicious gas station attendant/revolutionary freedom fighter Takashi (Hideaki Ito) and his autistic sister, she plots her bloody revenge, as one should never go in against a swordswoman when death is on the line.

Retreads of Unusual Sighs
You can pretty much tell what comes next. As climactic fight scenes, a romantic subplot, and an ambiguous ending are all in attendance here. Though no one can fault Donnie Yen for it -- while the black-clad battle ballet of blades and bullets (whew...I could've been the narrator for the '60's "Batman") will surely draw "whoa"s and snide remarks from fans of Neo, the throwdowns between Yuki and her former comrades are quality kung-fu, featuring multiple baddies against the heroine.

The real mark against Princess Blade lies with the dialogue scenes. Shaku throws herself into the title role with a manic-depression worthy of the piece - even the main villain speaks with the thundering baritone trademarked by Japanese sword films. Yet these performances can't overcome the clichés explained in subtitles so aggravating they erect a wall around the tale. Want to know why I know the assassin clan's name is Jianyulei's Family? Because every time the name came up it did so IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS LIKE THIS, WHICH IS NOT ANNOYING AT ALL. NOPE, NOT ONE BIT.

In the end, The Princess Blade is a double edged sword falling prey to the bimbo metaphor of action heroine movies: all looks and little brains. It's up to you whether it's a ride worth taking. After all, porn is cheaper.

Well, that's what I heard. From some guy I know.