The Tao of Soccer
Of all the movie genres, sports films vie with family comedies as one of the most by-the-numbers-recipies that anyone with an eye and a hand to operate a camera could generate. Simply take a ragtag bunch of misfits and a washed-up veteran coach, wrap around sport of choice. Pepper generously with 'hilarious' comedic misunderstandings and beat audience steadily about the head with trite manipulative messages about teamwork and social values until desired texture is required. To create tension, mixture should be combined with the overpowering flavor of an ominous threat - the competent socialite team. Finally, at the last minute, allow misfits to beat snobs via deus ex machina, and voila! You have the latest flavorless retreaded tripe ready to shove down the throats of a surly public.

Of course, there have been films that have tampered with the recipe, adding canines and primates with a preternatural affinity for sports that surely must be God-given (or trainer-beaten) into them. Close, but no cigar - to avoid flogging the dead horse of sports movies into dog food, the key was monks, not monkeys. Specifically, Shaolin Monks, and their incredible techniques, which surprisingly lend themselves quite well to the medium of soccer. Forget black bras and random hairstyles, instead Kick, Punch, It's All In The Mind. Enter the Hong Kong box-office heavy hitter Shaolin Soccer.

Test Your Might
Most people will figure out somewhere between the kung-fu master training in a field of banana peels and the random dance sequence lifted from Thriller that this tale has a style all its own. A disgraced former soccer star craving revenge against his previous teammate decides to play Mick to a simple-minded yet strong kung-fu Rocky, taking under his wing to teach him the game. The wide-eyed hopeful, nicknamed 'Steel Leg' for his specialty in the Shaolin style sees in soccer a way to spread his message of the use of kung-fu in everyday life to the world.

The duo will have to prove themselves to the rest of Steel Leg's fellow former monks, each a specialist in a different aspect of kung-fu similarly named - Iron Head, Hooking Leg, etc. Once their team is assembled, the gang must test their martial artistry on the field with rival teams of scornful cheaters and women sporting facial hair to the final challenge: defeating the world-champion (brace yourself) Evil Team, helmed by the coach's nemesis.

Soccer Game of Death
Deconstructing the flick with a cold eye, however, you'd find all the familiar ingredients in place - Underdogs versus the self-proclaimed Evil Team? Yep. Contrived moments of tension? More than a few. Calculated tugs at the audiences' collective heartstrings? Of course! Why, one might go as far to say that the only distinguishing element is the added draw of wire-fu and CGI present in the film. That is, of course, provided the previously mentioned one's view was obscured by having a head so far up their own ass they were wearing themselves as a light autumn jacket.

Director/star Stephen Chow's comedy is in the manner in which the movie treats itself, mixing and matching cliches from across the movie spectrum while never teetering too far into predictable parody. The prime example of this bizarre blend of straightfaced ridiculousness is personified in one of the Shaolin Team's members (see right).

Final Score
One of the few movies I enjoy I can say this about, SS is good clean fun - The Bad News Bears if choreographed by Yun Woo Ping. To conclude my review in On-Too-Long-Style, the old adage goes that win or lose, it's how you play the game that counts. Shaolin Soccer not only has mad game, it's a winner, too; probably the only jock flick to actually make the world a better place by the time the credits roll (you'll see what I mean if you're smart). For now, the film's release stateside release date is up in the air, but enterprising young grasshoppers can snag a copy off of eBay, or perhaps a file-sharing program for the most effective way to stick it to the man.

My simple recommendation: this is the best sports-related time you can have short of pissing off British soccer fans from the safety of a moving car. Beg, borrow, or my personal favorite, steal to obtain this flick, and get your soccer-fu on. And keep watching past the end - the outtakes prove that this movie was as fun to make as it was to watch.