Craptacular!
Suspiria isn't just a movie. It is a theatrical experience. Albeit, a very, very unpleasant theatrical experience, yet somehow not completely unsatisfactory. It rates somewhere between "This sucks!" and "What the %*#@?".

"Use your little voice..."
To fully appreciate the experience that is Suspiria, we must first address the title. Whenever you read or say "Suspiria", it must be with an eerie hoarse whisper. Apparently this lends some phantasmagoric meaning to the nonsense word. I could investigate the origin of Suspiria's meaning, but I refuse to let this movie suck away one more minute of my life.

(And yet, I'm writing this review. Crap! Bad movie: 2, Me: 0).

"Once upon a time... (stab, blood, guts)... the end."
I don't recognize any of the actors in this film. Nor can I recall any of the characters' names. As for the setting- also a blank. Clearly this movie is plot driven! Except it isn't. Are you following me? No? Then you have an inkling of what it is like to watch Suspiria. There was some dancing, witches, bad storms and a rabid dog. (Wait a second! I've just described The Wizard of Oz.)

"It can't ALL be bad." (Yes, it can.)
Highlights of Suspiria include, and are limited to: gory murder scene, eye-catching scenery used as a distraction device from the pointless story, and a delicious scene where a seeing-eye dog turns on its blind master, ripping his throat to kibbles 'n' bits (and bits, and bits). This all culminates into a 12-minute finale of bad screaming/acting and Disney world Haunted Mansion special effects.

Please pass the liquid goo...
A word on "the goriest murder scene ever filmed." The murder portrayed within the first 15 minutes is very graphic, and quite explicit. In fact, the sound effects alone can cause serious cringing and sleepless nights. The key word is alone. (No hoarse whisper necessary). Once you add the visual elements, you are confronted with a dismembered mannequin swimming in red poster paint. There is something to be said for subtlety. That something is not Suspiria (employ hoarse whisper here).

"I fear to watch. Yet I cannot look away!"
I call to your attention the fact that I am reviewing the DVD. This is because I can convince myself that it is worth sitting through Suspiria, the plotless, pointless, poster paint covered flick that it is, in order to fully appreciate the trailers included in the DVD's special features. Once you realize Suspiria is over, and it does take a few moments of disbelief before you completely accept the crappy conclusion of this overrated film, you become intrigued. What trailers could they have possibly shown back in 1977 to bring in an audience? Did they brainwash, hypnotize, or perhaps promise cash? Nope. It turned out to be the best marketing tagline ever…

"The only thing scarier than the last 12 minutes of Suspiria, (dramatic pause), is the first 93!"

How could anyone have argued with math?