O Canada
Americans know it's up there somewhere, but we don't really give it much thought, sort of like the ozone layer. Unless something disasterous happens, we're happy to ignore it altogether.

Before I started traveling, I'd met exactly one Canadian in the States. He was a transfer student to my high school, and people were always asking him things like, "Do you have indoor plumbing in Canada?" Sometimes they were serious.

Friendly Canadians
I've been in Australia for a few months now and people, let me tell you, not only are we outnumbered abroad, but we're outloved too. While we've been sitting in front of MTV, drinking Vanilla Coke and eating Hershey Bars, the Canadians have been traveling the world on their stinking Commonwealth passports and making friends with even third-world countries that Bush can't pronounce.

You know what joke I've heard at least a dozen times in the last few weeks? How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. But he just stands there with his arm in the air and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Does anyone tell Canadian lightbulb jokes? Nope.

[Heh heh... she said, Canook! - Ed.]
Canadians have such a good reputation that most of the time when I start talking to someone they ask if I'm Canadian rather than American first, because they don't want to insult the Canooks by calling them Yanks. I've even seen Americans with Canadian flags of their bags so that they'll be treated better.

And to make matters even worse, when an Aussie asks me what Americans think of Canadians, expecting me to gush with how much we all love them, all I can honestly say is, "We don't."

Fascinated with the American-Canadian relationship, I've done a little research, which mostly involved asking other Americans, "So whacha' think of them?" These are the reasons we came up with to either embrace or loathe our 51st state. (They really hate being called that. Tee hee.)

Love Em!

• They gave us Mike Myers, Much Music, Alex Trebek, Peter Jennings, Michael J. Fox, Alanis, Barenaked Ladies, and many more. They also inspired my favorite category on MTV's old show Remote Control: Dead, Alive or Canadian
• Two of the sweetest, kindest, and most beautiful boys I've met here were Canadian. They were so laid back they made the Aussies look like the steely bad guy from The Matrix.
• Montreal. Oh la la.
• They're just so darn nice! No wonder the rest of the world gives them that sorry-about-your-asshole-neighbors look all the time.
• The ones I've met had to learn all 50 US states and capitals in school. Did you?
• In a recent interview, Kiefer Sutherland (Pause. Swoon.) was asked about being Canadian. Kief said he never really knew what it meant to be Canadian until one day he bumped into a parking meter and apologised to it. Doesn't that just say it all?
• You can shop in Canada for cheap because the US dollar kicks the Canadian dollar's arse.
• Have I mentioned how really, really nice they are?
• Mounties. So cute. Did you ever watch Due South? I just loved that guy.
• They've never tried to invade Alaska, even though it would be really easy. That's pretty swell of them.

Hate Em!

• They gave us Pamela Anderson-Lee-Rock-Anderson, Celine Dion, and Tom Green. David Spade is still our fault.
• Canada, eh? Took, eh? Annoying, eh?
• Canadian girls can't keep their shirts on. Swear to God, I've seen more Canadian boobs in backpacker bars than I have dead kangaroos on the side of the road. Anything for a free beer I suppose. Sluts.
• They make us look like real redneck jerks, running around, name-calling and declaring war and stuff. Their PM is so low key, you probably don't even know his name. Which also just points out how totally uninformed we are.
• Tom Green.
• They're quick to point out that only 15% of Americans have a passport. In backpacker circles, being called uncultured is the same as telling a 14-year-old boy that he throws like a girl. It just doesn't get any more insulting.
• While we're England's red-headed step-child, Canadia is still in the crown's good graces. That means they get all the benefits of English citizenship (year-long travel visas instead of the crap four-month ones that American's get) when they go to the U.K., Australia and other former colonies. And the Revolution seemed like such a good idea at the time.
• Tom Green.
• Although outwardly nice, I always feel an undercurrent of resentment from Canadians, with good reason. We're louder, more obnoxious, less educated, we export our crap fast food and cheesy movies and horrid pop music all over the world, and are wildly successful for it. We're Homer Simpson to their Frank Grimes. Every day their newspapers should run the headline, "Drat! American Idiots Triumph Again!"
• That whole "aboot" thing drives me nuts.
• Finally, we have to acknowledge that they're just biding their time up there. As soon as our negative karma bites the US in its collective ass, the Canadians will swoop in and take over as the new world superpower. No one will resist because, hey, they're Canadian! They apologise to inanimate objects! Everyone loves them!
• Watch out though. The Swiss are next.