In a lot of his pictures, John Edward rests his chin on his thumb as if to show that it can withstand the weight of his head. He does work out. But most importantly (followed closely by the significance of a strong thumb), he is a medium who talks to the ghosts who haunt his guests' hearts without using creepy kids, smoke, or strings. Instead he uses long pauses, carpetty hair, and lookings off to the side. On his show, Crossing Over with John Edward, he supposedly transmits messages from the dead to their loved ones like an instant message. Things like "I’m getting an A... S.... L... A/S/L?" and "I think it's your creepy uncle -- he's asking if 'U have NE more pix???'"

From Sci Fi to House Wife
On the Sci Fi Channel, there was an ethereal spookiness to his set: dark blues, spiderweb projector screens, and a soundtrack with a hidden heartbeat. The success got Crossing Over syndicated and they made a version of this show oriented more toward daytime viewing housewives: warmer aquatic blues; random Greek columns holding up nothing; and couches and a coffee table centering unlit candles or bowls of fake fruit. It was the lovechild of an aquarium and your rich parents' living room. It was Atlantis Oprah-fied.

But no worries to homophobic believers. This Staten Island styled medium maintains his manliness by sometimes sitting on the arm rest of the Oprah sofa just like most tough guys would do when their testosterone is threatened.

Starting the Trend
With the success of things like these comes the race of the second rates that follow. Producers had their mutated visions pitched off to tv land with shows like Animal Planet's Pet Psychic. Her spin: she talks to living pets. And she has a British accent. Basically she's creepy like how a naked Angela Lansbury as your babysitter is creepy.

What I Really Wanted to Talk About
But the latest psychic competitor is a syndicated show called Beyond with James Van Praagh: The Blatant Rip Off. Instead of cool blues, abrasive oranges and yellows rape your eyes as the terrible camera work whips across the stage from various directions. In this show, a pop culture savvy, yet sincerely insecure John Edward is replaced with a gay and toadish midget. This is mediumship with an edge!

The flaming psychic devilishly modifies Edwardian terminology while attempting to create his own household phrases. But John so kicks James's ass in this area. "Crossed over" and "they're pulling back" is way better than "passed over" and "I'll leave you with that". If short buses count as shelter, then yeah, James Van Praagh has some household phrases.

This show isn't just a Bizarro Crossing Over. In addition to the infringement-avoiding variations, Beyond with James Van Praagh employs the talents of sub-co-host Lisa "look, I just need a job" Canning. Her role is to 1) cover the post analysis of the audience members' reading; and 2) decipher James's impish ramblings so normal people could understand him. She is a great personality that everyone could identify with, assuming they, too, are good looking black women. Her bio mentions that "in her spare time, she likes to travel, practice yoga and work with underprivileged children" which I guess includes James Van Praagh as an underprivileged child.

It's Really Late at Night and
I Don't Know What I'm Talking About Anymore
This is the first phase of shows trying to capitalize on a concept that Miss Cleo destroyed and John Edward rebuilt. Upcoming projects will probably include the following:

Food Network's Psychic Chef
A medium with a Louisiana drawl can sense what somebody has eaten by listening closely to their feces.

BET's Fortune Tellin
The show's Wiccan Wigger just says what hip hop songs are going to be sampled by hip hop songs from the future. And then sassily points out the differences between black and white psychics and how they tell the future

Fox's When Psychics Attack in High Speed Chases
Psychics attacking at high speeds. And being chased.