Wrong Place, Wrong Time
I recently attended a gala ball charity benefit - one of those events where the dry chicken leg, a half of potato and something that's supposed to be asparagus costs $1,000 a plate. All to help those poor Irish Immigrants. Yeah, I didn't know there was such a big problem either. No, of course I wasn't paying. I was there as company to a friend. That'll teach me.

Most of a Bad Situation

KS:		So... tell me. What does it take to be an Evil Henchman?
EH:		First and foremost, you have to have loyalty... a loyalty so strong that you will do anything, even give your life, for your Evil Overlord.
KS:		Is that the "p.c." term to use? Evil Overlord?
EH:		Officially, yes. On a casual occasion, "boss" usually works good.
KS:		Ok. You said the firstly. What else is needed to be an evil henchman?
EH:		Loyalty's first. I said that, right?
KS:		Yes.
EH:		Secondly, it takes courage. Lots of courage.
KS:		Please explain.
EH:		Well... look at just last week. My Evil Overlord asked me to joust a guy from this apartment building. Just to scare him and put him on the defensive, ya' know. I thought it'd be an easy job. No such luck. Turns out this guy knew why I was there. Met me at the door with a kitchen knife, a broken beer bottle and his pissed-off cat. It took a lot of guts for me to get through all those defenses and drag his sorry ass out of that apartment!
KS:		How did you get hooked up with your Evil Overlord?
EH:		(Laughs) Hooked up is right. A blind date brought us together.
KS:		A blind date?
EH:		Yeah.
KS:		How did that instill your loyalty to your Evil Overlord?
EH:		Still? I've always had loyalty in him, from the start. You see, during the date, some rival evil gang members swarmed into the restaurant to try and kill him, and I ended up getting shot instead.
KS:		Ouch!
EH:		Yeah. Ouch, huh? Right here in the shoulder. You can still see the scar. No... not that one, the one to the right. My Evil Overlord shot all the bad guys, picked me up in his arms, and ran me all the way to the limo and told the driver to go back into the restaurant to clean up the bodies and destroy evidence while he drove me to the hospital himself. He never left my side. We've been together ever since.
KS:		So love has something to do with your loyalty to him?
EH:		Hmm. No. Lust. Sex. And trust. I trust him to not put me into too much danger. It's not just any girl he would drive personally to the hospital.
KS:		How did that lead to an Evil Henchman job?
EH:		Oh, I didn't mention that part?
KS:		No.
EH:		It was fate. When those guys jumped us during that blind date, my Evil Overlord ran out of bullets after the first two guys. So I borrowed him my gun. When he realized I had that potential beyond my great body, he hired me on the spot.
KS:		While you were bleeding on the floor.
EH:		Well, yeah.
KS:		Do you identify much with Harley Quinn?
EH:		People say that all the time. Who is that? Did he make those motocycles?
KS:		Never mind. Would you say that another attribute to being an Evil Henchman is brains? That's against the popular stereotype.
EH:		It is! I hate people who are so skinny-minded. If Evil Henchmen were all that stupid, how would Evil Overlords get anything done?
KS:		It would be hard.
EH:		It sure would. It's a bonus for me to have this body and be so beautiful too. What makes me good at my job is my mind, my ability to think quickly and stay out of danger. It's so tripe to think anyone, Evil Henchman, especially, would be stupid enough to reveal an entire plan to their intended victims.
KS:		Yes. Very "tripe."
EH:		(After a pause) You want to know what's going to happen to you and the others, don't you?
KS:		Nope.
EH:		Not even a little bit?
KS:		No.
EH:		Are you sure?

Surviving the Experience
Needless to say, I made it out alive and intact, since all the jewelry I was wearing totaled a whopping $4.50. The Irish Immigrants have seen the last of me, let me tell you! They're so totally on their own!