[WARNING! The following script is not actually a lost script from 24. It's something that would have been funny were it a lost script from 24, but it isn't. It's not that I think you, the readers, are idiots; it's just that I like to cover all the bases. Just in case. - Ed.]

...

10:01:08
A terrible faux-Slavic accent tells Jack Bauer to turn left into the drive-thru at a Circle-K. "Order a 128 ounce Mountain Dew," the voice rasps into Jack's transceiver. "What does this have to do with anything?" Bauer snarls. "Do you want to see your daughter again?" the voice bellows. "Then do as you are told and chug!" A pained expression crosses Jack's face as he takes the safety lid off the wax paper mini-vat and tips it toward his lips, urine colored liquid dribbling down his chin.

10:09:51
Teri Bauer tries to buy a bag of Cheez-its from a vending machine at CTU. The machine spits her dollar back. She sighs, smoothes out the creases against the corner of the machine, and inserts the bill again. Again the machine returns it. Panic seeps into Teri's eyes as she smoothes the bill more emphatically and makes one more attempt. Success! Gears him, and the Cheez-its come spiraling toward her…only to stick on the last quarter-inch of wire. She pounds at the surprisingly resilient glass desperately, furiously, and sinks to the floor in anguish.

10:14:26
On a remote stretch of California residential road, Victor Drazen plays mailbox baseball from the back seat of a limousine. Opposite him, tied and gagged, is Kimberly Bauer, flanked by two of his henchmen. Suddenly, the driver slams on the brakes as a possum staggers meekly into the road. The vehicle swerves out of control and ends up in a ditch. Kimberly's gag and ropes, secured considerably less tightly than her pants, slip off in the confusion and she clambers out of the limo and races into the night. "How could you? FOR A POSSUM??!!" rants Drazen.

10:21:02
"Yes, that's right, two jackets and a pair of slacks," says Jack Bauer to the attendant at the all-night dry-cleaning facility. As the clerk heads to the back, the voice on the transceiver gloats into Jack's ear.

"Excellent, Bauer. Do not forget to tip him well." Pan down to below the counter; Jack's standing with his legs crossed, clearly uncomfortable. "Yes, Bauer, the ache of your bladder is but the beginning of your worries. Soon enough, you will be grateful for the caffeine. You have much to do before the evening is over."

10:29:47
While his henchmen struggle to push the limo out of the ditch, Victor Drazen gnaws on the raw corpse of the possum that caused the accident, which he chased down and clubbed to death himself. As he looks up from his gory repast a familiar silhouette strolls down the road toward him. It's Kimberly Bauer.

"Could you guys, like, give me some directions back into town? I'm a little lost."

She's immediately recaptured.

10:33:19
Sherry Palmer slips away from the celebration at her husband's campaign headquarters. She rides up the elevator and slips furtively into her hotel room. She knocks twice on the back wall of the closet, and a secret panel slides open, revealing a dank stone staircase. Pausing to take a red robe with horns protruding from the hood off a hook, she descends. At the bottom of the staircase is a torch-lit chamber. In the center, a goat struggles and bleats. A silver knife emerges from the folds of Sherry's robe. She raises it over the goat as Bob Dole reads from the Necronomicon and former Yankees outfielder Paul O'Neill looks on approvingly.

10:42:06
Teri Bauer pulls herself off the floor of the CTU break room. She jumps onto the table and starts singing, "What's New, Pussycat." Clearly the strain of the thwarted snack has precipitated another psychotic break, leading her to think she's Tom Jones. Nina passes by without stopping, rolling her eyes. She's secretly relieved that she doesn't have to break the news about Kim being recaptured. She strides briskly over to Tony's desk.

"Good news," he says. "We've found the other inside man here at CTU."

"Who?" Nina asks.

"He's a transfer from the Bureau in D.C. His record's horrible, but the toilets were backed up pretty bad that week, and we needed an extra janitor."

"Where is he? I want to supervise the interrogation."

"In conference room three. Turns out he gave the Bureau a phony name. He's really Cory "Bad Aim" Drazen, the lost member of the clan. He's been working for us as..."

By now they've reached the conference room door, which Nina throws open to reveal a familiar face, his eyes shifting back and forth in a clearly sinister manner as he snacks on the first of two bags of Cheez-its spread before him on the table.

"... Fox Mulder," Tony says, finishing his sentence.

10:51:17

Jack Bauer's car peels out of the parking lot beside the One-Hour Photomat and heads back onto the highway. His mind races furiously as he spots Palmer Campaign Headquarters on his right. He taps the brakes, anticipating the next order.

"Who told you to slow down?" the transceiver barks. "Keep going. You'll be meeting a small, private aircraft at a secret airfield."

"But I thought..." Jack stammers.

"There has been a change of plan," a new voice interrupts. A chill runs down Jack's spine as he realizes he is now listening to Victor Drazen himself.

"You are too high-profile to finish the Palmer assignment. You're headed to Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. It's time I settled accounts with... Moose and Squirrel."

10:59:57, 58, 59, 11:00.