[WARNING! The following news account seems to have appeared out of some recent and previously unidentified dimensional wormhole. The depicted accounts are not to be taken as fact from our reality. - Ed.]

...

Boston (NMYP)

After treating Red Sox fans to another gut-wrenching save, closer Ugueth Urbina admitted what many have suspected: that the blood-curdling theatricality of his saves is not accidental.

"Striking out Dye was a mistake, man," Urbina said through a translator. "I'm trying to be the first man to record 1,200 feet worth of outs in an inning."

Urbina began his inning of relief by giving up a home run to David Justice, a bullet that barely cleared the 380 foot marker by the visiting bullpen. "I was just trying to give Trot [Nixon] a chance to make a great catch like Long had last night." Indeed, the first out in the inning, another screaming line drive by Eric Chavez, slammed into Nixon's outstretched glove just short of where Justice's homer left the yard.

Then came Urbina's "mistake." "It's tough with a right-handed hitter," Urbina reflected, "because if he hits it well to left it leaves the yard. And if he doesn't, it's only a 360-foot out. [Exp.del.] that. I was trying to get him to bash one opposite field, but he swung over the fastball."

The final out was more satisfactory: a 410-foot blast into the triangle that Johnny Damon tracked down just to the left of the home bullpen. Though discouraged by only giving up an estimated 788 feet of outs, Urbina was optimistic. "I'm making progress. If I can just cut down on striking people out..."