Getting in the Guinness Book of World Records
as answered by Missie, Doug, Lisa, & Johnathan
December 15, 2002
[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]
Dear Newmoanyeah:
 What should I do to get in the Guinness Book of World Records?
Sincerely,
Iwana Ghetin
[Real name withheld by request. - Ed.]
Dear Iwana:
I think growing something of a huge size by several standard deviations would be your best bet. Something such as watermelons, squash, or genitalia.
Missie Horal, Scattagoric Staff Writer
Dear Iwana:
You should propel a strand of spaghetti from your nostril a minimum of 10 inches. The current record is 7.5 inches so the extra two and a half are good insurance.
Doug Mahoney, I-Like-Bungle Editor
Dear Iwana:
Well, let's face it, most people just aren't very talented. This probably includes you. Unless you can run very fast under water, jump very high on one leg, or have incredible endurance for hula-hooping or eating grasshoppers while sitting on a flagpole, I recommend that you get a job as a fact-checker and get your name in the book as part of the staff.
Lisa Turner, Groovalicious Editor
Dear Iwana:
Okay, here's the scam... you should try to get in the book for "most failed attempts at trying to get in the book." Then by failing to get into the book for failing to get into the book, you've successfully failed at getting in the book which in turn causes you to fail from getting in the book in an endless cycle until you've successfully gotten in the book.
I'm sure the logic's flawed, but hey... what can you do?
Stephen Lin, Editor-in-Chief
[Filling in for Johnathan.]
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