Harry Potter and the Bible Thumpers
as answered by Matt, Kerry, Justin, & Stephen
November 22, 2002
[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]
 Comic Conventional Jennifer found this question somewhere (on the web, I'm assuming). I believe it came from some Professor in Michigan.
Here goes:
"I was standing in line to see Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets this weekend and these seemingly normal people started ranting at me about how I was going to go to hell for seeing this movie. They were thumping their Bibles and yelling as loud as they could. A few of them were even foaming at the mouth. I'm not sure what got them so upset, I ran into the theater as fast as I could and wished I had a wand so I could cast an immobilizing spell on them.
I don't think I have seen anyone so worked up since the witch trails ended a couple hundred years ago.
Any suggestions on what I should do if I run into these people again if I go a second time."
Excellent question. I think Janeane Garofalo provided the best answer in Dogma. Faced with a similar situation, in which she had to cross a line of protesters at the abortion clinic where she worked, she pointed somewhere off-camera and said, "Look, it's the Pope." By the time the mob had figured out her ruse, she was safely inside. Of course, "pope" is denomination-specific, and there's no guarantee your Bible thumpers are Catholic. I'd advise modifying the ploy slightly. How about "isn't that the Virgin Mary on the wall?" By the time your interlocutors realize it's just a poster of Britney Spears hyping "Crossroads II: Revenge of Uberskank Lite," you'll be ordering Jujyfruits. I should warn you, though, that Jujyfruits are closely affiliated with Satan.
Another option would be to show up in visibly charred clothing, with a fake pitchfork protruding from your head. "You were so right," you wail piteously, "but I just can't change my wicked ways." Worried that this might just encourage further conversation? Ho, ho, you misunderstand these people. They tell themselves they're trying to save you, but really they're just trying to imagine you burning in hell. See, they want hell to be crowded; that way there's more harps, ambrosia, and face time with Oral Roberts for them in the Great Hereafter. So if you convince them you're already in hell, and no longer in competition with them for salvation, they'll probably just move on.
Finally, you could stuff them full of Jujyfruits and leave them the number of a good dating service. With any chance of venturing beyond the pearly gates decimated by their dalliance with the Snack of the Damned, they might actually pick up the phone and try to get real lives. It's a well-known fact that most religious fundamentalism stems from protracted datelessness. Not that I would know anything about protracted datelessness. Heh-heh. HAHAHAHAHA! Oh God…
Matt VanWinkle, Lemurish Staff Writer
The answer is obvious, next time you go, wear a tee shirt that says 'I heart Hell'. This serves two purposes; first, you'll get to annoy the Bible thumping jerks standing in your way to the theater, and you'll probably end up sitting with no one to your side. Ahh you can spread out. Hey, since when should anyone care what some freaks think anyway?
Kerry Sainato, Fuzzy Pink Staff Writer
First, a question. What was it about these people's behavior - the foaming at the mouth, the loud yelling, or the Bible thumping - that made them "seemingly normal"? Please enlighten, not all of us grew up in the Koresh compound.
This argument should be easy. Not one person has died from a Harry Potter movie, but just try to quantify the amount of blood spilt throughout history in the name of God. Problem is, they don't see it that way. Religious fanaticism renders normal human reason powerless. Try to debate and they'll 'disprove' the facts with little, made-up sayings from their fairy-tale book. Whether discussing evolution or pre-teen wizardry, there's just no rationale. After all, you're dealing with a group that demonizes a 12 year old boy and supports the priests that wish to molest him.
Only one tactic packs the divine punch the situation demands. Protest back. Protest their religion, their beliefs, their Southern accents. Whatever. The only question is, with so many forms of protest, which do you choose? You could arrange a sit-in, but then you'll miss the movie and the zealots will have won. There isn't enough time for a hunger strike. And sitting at the front of the bus would just confuse people in this case. Therefore, I suggest Ridicule. Good ol' Ridicule. There's nothing like a little (or a lot) of ridicule to bring shame to an otherwise shameless person. Ask why they've been drawn to a children's movie and accuse them of scouting for dates. Point out that they probably support chastity because they're ugly and couldn't get laid anyway. People can turn a cheek to name-calling, they can look past anger, but ridicule cuts right through, like a crusaders sword through an innocent peasant. Tap into those repressed elementary school memories and then see how well they wave that book.
Or you can just try acting your age and go to grown-up movies.
Justin Montanino, Posthumorous Staff Writer
"Lock the door."
"And hope they don't have blasters."
Stephen Lin, Editor-in-Chief
[Writing in place of the absent Lisa Turner. ;) Booooooo!]
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