Sex with Your Opposite-Sex Clone
as answered by Janet, Joel, Lori, & Johnathan
November 12, 2002
[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]
 Something slightly different here this week, folks.
Instead of answering a reader's advice submission, we're going to be answering a question that one of our writers (Johnathan) found on the message board of a well-known movie rumor website (Aint It Cool News).
Here goes:
"If I clone myself as a girl, and I eventually have sex with my female clone, is it incest or masturbation? You KNOW that a situation like this will arise one day. People who hate themselves will be able to hate-fuck their clones up their self-loathing asses!"
Okay, look here. A clone would be genetically identical to you in every way. So it is impossible to make an opposite gendered you.
But let's talk hypothetically for a moment. If you could create an opposite gendered you, then what you are inquiring about is technically incest since they would share your genes, and masturbation is the "manual stimulation of the genital organs for sexual pleasure." I assume you're talking about full-on penetration sex, with your penis in your vagina. So, with your penis... in... uh... your...
Excuse me. I have to go be sick.
Janet Choi, Sweet & Sour Editor
Liberace paid a plastic surgeon to make his boy-toy look more like him. (Gives a whole new meaning to the term "go fuck yourself", don't it?) One can only imagine what he would have done had cloning been an option in his lifetime.
As for cloning yourself as a girl, what, do you have some spare Y chromosomes floating around in you somewhere? Sounds to me like you're a big, closeted sissy. So, why don't you do us all a favor? Just clone yourself a Liberace, and then fuck him silly.
Joel Why, Curious Staff Writer
I wouldn't call it incest - you're having sex with yourself, not your sister. Double the masturbation, double the fun. Auto-erotica at its best, I'd say. Basically, if this happened to me, it would mean one of my biggest dreams realised. Imagine having another human being who knew exactly how to please you, where to please you, how long to please you etc. And you'd know what to do to them too! Why? Because, it's all you, baby! Sweet!
I would like to personally volunteer to be the first person to do the deed with their clone. Where do I register?
Anyhoo, as for your comment about people being able to hate-fuck their own clones... ew! What is wrong with you? People who would hate-fuck themselves don't deserve their own clones, I don't care how much you love S&M, baby. You gotta love yourself, otherwise, who else is going to be able to? Now go put on the Barry White music, stand in front of the mirror, and say you're sorry!
Lori Shea, Smoof Like Butta(fly) Staff Writer
The phenomenon you listed will be known as 'incesturbation,' a sexual deviation soon to be illegalized in 49 states (sorry, Tennesse!). This legislation causes all closet incesturbators to congregate in this state for a Mardi-Gras-like orgy of fucking themselves, like people who buy comics for collecting value. Once full, the SuperSelfSodomy State will close its borders and be disintegrated from space with a giant laser by order of the Pope. The balance of states destroyed, this will give the U.S. cause to finally take over Canada without a shot fired. The general reaction? "Eh."
It's all due to be covered in the new Arnold Schwartzenegger sci-fi action thriller, The 69th Day.
Johnathan Mason, JapaNerd Staff Writer
|
