[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]

Dear Newmoanyeah:

Okay, y'all know Return of the Jedi? Okay, my question is: how does a Hutt have sex?

Jabba seemed pretty keen on that Twi'lek dancing girl until he fed her to the Rancor and he sure had some serious tongue action going on with Princess Leia; but how does a Hutt have sex with another Hutt? (Could he even get jiggy with a humanoid life-form?)

Where are the genitals even?

Sincerely,
Darth Discovery Channel
[Real name withheld by request. - Ed.]

How does a Hutt have sex? Uhhh. I thought long and hard about this on my commute home on the subway today. I kept getting distracted. I couldn't tear my mind away from the thought of that magnificent tongue action.

Is there another tongue out there like Jabba's? That rough, thick, muscular tongue, capable of caressing and stroking every inch of my naked, glistening body. The strength behind it, the pressure, the ability to be gentle and then commanding. No matter how hard I tried to escape, the chains and his insistent caress would pull me back... back into a state of ecstasy stronger than anything I would ever experience in my lifetime.

Who the hell cares if a Hutt can have sex? Sign me up for a tour of duty as a Hutt slave! Please!

Kerri Skarfe, Otherworldly Staff Writer

Being an advice column, I'm assuming you've been asked out by a Hutt and want to know what to expect. Expect death. Some KY might make this death a little easier.

As far as how Hutts do it with each other, Jabba is actually in his larva state, despite what the others say. After a couple months he'll become more firm and elongated. The female larva will eventually look more like a big vagina. Take it from there.

Manolo Moreno, Non-Ukranian Staff Writer

I think Jabba is some kinda of giant snail (invertebrate). So, if you're some poor slave girl, you lucked out in at least you won't have do to the nasty with him.

If you were thinking that some lucky girl (or Hutt or whatever you call his species) would be necessary to have lots of "little ones" slithering around, that wouldn't happen either. If we assume he's some kind of snail, then he's/it's a hermaphrodite; which means he has both sex organs and reproduces all on his own. That's a scary thought!

So maybe he has women slaves hanging around being all sexy because all the cool bad guys have slave girls and he just wants to fit in. Maybe he'd like to be just one sex and wishes he were a girl.

I think Lucas just liked having as many women he could work into the flick running around in as little clothing as possible. Possibly Carrie Fisher didn't want to be the only chick in a skimpy costume so they brought in the dancing Twi'lek?

The world may never know. In the end, Jabba would only be satisfying some whim in keeping Princess Leia or any other females around as they don't serve any biological purposes.

Jennifer Saylor, Comic Conventional Staff Writer

Jabbas don't have sex, you stupid fuck. They're like giant fucking puppets. Except for in those new Star Wars movies, where he's computer animated, and looks fucking retarded. Man, those new Star Wars movies suck.

Joel Why, Curious Staff Writer