[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]

Dear Newmoanyeah:

How do I fix my leaky sink?

It's one of those... rotate-y things and water comes out the base.

It's trickling, but trickling heavily as if a washer needs to be replaced or something.

Sincerely,
Sir Drips-A-Lot or Baby's Got (Plumber's) Crack
[Real name withheld by request. - Ed.]

Umm... stick your thumb in it?

Stephen Lin, Editor-in-Chief

Unfortunately, a leaky faucet, whether it be in the kitchen, bathroom, wet bar, or servants' quarters, is a problem we all have to face eventually. I do find that one thing works particularly well for this. For that matter, it can also be used for a running toilet, clogged shower drain, unlit pilot lights, carpets needing vacuuming, dishes needing washing, and other "everyday" problems.

Move.

Missie Horal, Scattagoric Staff Writer

For this kind of problem, it's best to see how the pros handle similar situations. Watch Three Stooges shorts and play Super Mario games, as both feature plenty of procedures for dealing with plumbing, as well as shocking high society revolutionary pie-face negotiations and defeating talking reptiles. Try to drink heavily while doing the above.

Then retrieve the only tool any man needs to fix anything - a gun. Stumble into the bathroom and declare "One of us is gonna stop drippin', and it ain't gonna be me." If the sink still refuses, start firing. The resulting bullet ricochet should lightly graze your head, knocking you unconcious. Assuming you wake up, you'll probably forget that the sink was even broken. Besides, that'll be the least of your problems with the blood loss and all.

Good luck with the repairs!

Johnathan Mason, JapaNerd Staff Writer

There are several things you can do to help your situation here, environmentally, financially, celebrity-wise, and romantically. It may seem like just a busted/leaky sink to you, but there is much more opportunity here than meets the eye.

1. First of all, be kind to your flora. Use this irritating leaky event as a reminder that you probably need to water your plants. Put a container or two under the leak until you have enough water to feed all your plants. If you have no plants, or only tacky fake plants like yours truly, you can skip this step.

2. This one helps if you're a girl, but if you're a guy, you'll be able to get one of these from a female in your life, trust me. Grab a maxipad, or several, and use it/them to try to stopper the leak. Then ring a news crew and tell them of your experiment and let them know they can come on over to film your attempt to prove/disprove how absorbent maxipads really are. (This could win you cult celebrity status on the 11 o'clock news!)

3. Whip out your own video camera and let it roll tape while you're running around like a loser looking for things to help stop the leak or collect water. Try things that will be funny for the camera like a big honking piece of Hubba Bubba Bubble gum or scotch tape. Be sure to accidentally bang your head a lot, or show the beginnings of your ass crack 'construction worker' style for all the world to see, or split your pants open when you bend over, or slip and fall on your ass on the slippery floor.

   Then send the tape to America's Funniest Home Videos. Keep in mind, the more you 'hurt' yourself, the more people will laugh and the more money you can win!

4. After you've tried to milk this leak for all its worth, it's time to call a cute and efficient plumber, male or female, whatever you're into. Preferably this plumber will also be able to set your entire life back on track while fixing your leaky sink, just like Jon Bon Jovi on Ally McBeal. Flirt away while they're bending over, 'saving your life.' If all goes well, you can offer to take them out to dinner to thank them for all their hard work.

5. This is a last resort, but if a plumber or some other handy person can't get to your place pronto, it's time to take matters into your own hands.

   If you knew a lot about leaks and sinks and pipes and whatnot, you probably wouldn't have asked us for advice in the first place, so let's assume you know nothing helpful in the world of plumbing. You mentioned thinking perhaps a washer needed to be replaced? I think you're just talking shit and like me, you have no idea what a washer is or what it actually does. Don't feel bad, I'm clueless too! (By the way, I'm only guessing this by your use of the technical phrase 'rotate-y things.' And here I was thinking that I was the only person in the world to use that phrase!)

   No problem. Unfortunately I can't tell you how to fix your sink, but I can advise you not to try to do things that may make the leakage worse. If you're losing a lot of water, your priority should be to stop the water until someone who knows what they're doing can fix it. Go put some grubby clothes on and come back and get down on your hands and knees under that sink. It's time to get a little dirty/wet. Don't get excited, it won't be much fun.

   Start looking around under the sink. You'll probably see a lot of valves, or maybe just a couple. Start with the valves closest to the drainpipe and gently start turning them, one at a time, verrrry slowly. If the leakiness increases or stays the same, stop turning that way and try turning the other way. The goal is to shut off the water main for this pipe. Be warned, depending on what controls what in your apartment/house, this might also control the water to other things - like your toilet, or other sinks, or the laundry, so do your business first! Basically, turning off your water main is the option for when a) No plumber can get to you soon b) You have to leave the apartment and and there's UBER leakage and don't want to have to build Noah's ark to get into your pad when you get back. Some valves may be really tight, so if you've got some gloves, that might save your hands from some serious pain. Keep trying all the valves under the sink in question first - if that doesn't work, head to another sink or the laundry room, or wherever else you may have water/pipe action and try those (gently).

   Most units are self-contained and you should have access to the valve that will shut off your water. If for some reason you are one of those poor suckers who has no control over their pipes whatsover, change into your bathing suit, grab a bucket, and learn to bail water as quickly as you can. Call your friends over, tell them it's a 'pool party' and tell everyone to change into their bathing suits and join in the fun. If you provide your friends with food and drinks, you might be able to trick them into water bailing duty!

Good luck.

Lori Shea, Smoof Like Butta(fly) Staff Writer