[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]

Dear Newmoanyeah:

I'm screwed.

I tried to do too many stretches yesterday when it was kinda cold and now my hamstring hurts.

What should I do?

Sincerely,
Mai Legginpayne
[Real name withheld by request. - Ed.]

The answer to this is just so obvious. Dig into the back of your closet, behind the day-glo t-shirts and charm bracelets and bring those old leg warmers out of retirement. Yes, they look ridiculous, but so do chunky girls in crop tops and they don't seem to be bothered, so you shouldn't either.

And in the future, don't try to do silly stretches by yourself. Stretching should always be done in bed, with a partner. Your natural body heat will keep muscles soft and flexible, and the hormones rushing through your body will keep you from feeling any pain... except the good kind.

Lisa Turner, Senior Editor

You should put your feet on the coffee table immediately and medicate with a few beers. As far as long term therapy, I think you should take a preventative stance (i.e. never stretch again).

Doug Mahoney, Managing Editor

Reach way in the back of your medicine cabinet and find those Vicadin from when your wisdom teeth were pulled. Pop a couple. Watch the cartoon network. Relax. Your muscle worries will be over; just don't operate any heavy machinery.

Kerry Sainato, Fuzzy Pink Staff Writer

Yes, you are screwed - because you have failed to realize that there is no such thing as too many stretches. Simply make sure that the stinging pain in your hamstring is in every limb of your body by stretching as much as possible (multiple short stretches for guys notwithstanding), perhaps in the prescence of cosmic rays or a radioactive substance. By the time you finish, you'll have developed new taffy-like extensions perfect for your moving situation and stopping would-be criminals. The flip side is that you could end up infertile, with broken arms and legs. If so, you're probably not doing it right. And God doesn't love you.

Johnathan Mason, JapaNerd Staff Writer