[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]

Dear Newmoanyeah:

I have a problem approaching the opposite sex... what are some good pick-up lines?

Sincerely,
Kent Gitlaid
[Real name withheld by request. - Ed.]

Well the only successful pick-up line that worked for me so far is: "How much?" Usually, if I can afford it, then it's love, jail, or "surprise I'm a man."

I don't really think a line ever works, though. Usually it's because there are a lot of lesbians out there. Just kidding!

Here's the formula I use (I guess that's why I'm still single and loving myse... I mean, every minute of it)

Line works = She finds you attractive

She finds you attractive = Richness (clothes, nice watch, money) + Drunkeness of female

Attractive = penile enlargement + Liposuction + Pec implants + Hair club for men

Richness = Nice clothes (only need one set) + Nice watch ($300) + Nice shoes (note: have matching belt).

Paul Shim, PoetTech Staff Writer

I have only one line for picking up guys, and it's 99.7% effective.

This is what you do: Go up to the cute guy who is going to be the lucky recipient of your temporary affection. (That's the easy part, right?) Then use the patented Kerri Skarfe line: "Hi. My name is Kerri." (Giggle here. It helps.) "I'm really drunk." (Sway a bit and giggle some more.) "Will you take me home?"

Kerri Skarfe, Otherworldly Staff Writer

The old adage is still the truest: Just be yourself. As long as "yourself" is rich, confident, and good-looking. If that's not the case, then you need a great pick-up line. Here are a few untested gems just waiting to forge a love connection:

For a guy to use on a girl:
"Hey baby, have you seen my friend? We got separated on the way to my money bin."

"Hey baby, did you know there are 150 calories in a mouthful of semen? ... And you could stand to lose a few pounds."

"Hey, you look just like my ex-girlfriend..."

"Hey baby, you should try these beer goggles I got, they already knocked you down from a double-bagger to a single..."

"Hey baby, you see this watch? If you were a hooker I could rent you for a week straight with what this watch cost."

"Hey, do you have a light? My crack pipe is just going to waste without one."

"So, those roofies kicking in yet?"

And if you're going hoggin': "Hey baby, you look like the type of ugly, fat chick who never gets hit on because all her friends are thinner and better looking. But lucky for you I can see through that to your inner beauty."

For a girl to use on a guy:
"Hey, let's go."

So there you have it. If none of these work, look on the bright side, you could always get some friends to whisper rumors about how you always make sure your girl is "finished" before you are. By the time your date learns the truth you'll be fast asleep dreaming of your next score. Go get 'em tiger!

Anonymous

Dear "How Do I Get My Mars Near Her Venus":

I'm going to be naughty and let you in on some deep and dark secrets of the girly world. First of all, if you really want to impress a woman you've just met, don't make any eye contact. Just stare directly at her breasts. It helps if you can stare at them completely unblinking and hypnotized, oblivious to the universe around you. If you can drop your jaw and let your tongue fall out of your mouth, she will only want you more. Women adore feeling like sex objects, so do everything you can to accommodate this. Now that you've established cleaveage-contact, go on up to that girl and talk to her.

Pick out a particularly nice feature of hers and use it as an opportunity to drum up a conversation. If her hooters still look amazing from up close, you could say something like, "Wow, you've got a truly tremendous rack - are those babies real?" Give her the option of inviting you to squeeze her knockers to test for realness, but if she doesn't offer, feel free to go ahead and touch them anyway. Most girls are too shy to tell you they want you to go ahead and grab them and really make them feel like a piece of meat.

Once you've paid her a compliment and tested some of her merchandise, just go ahead and start telling her about yourself. You may briefly discuss what you do at work, what you studied at school, your life goals and aspirations, but don't spend too much time on that boring crap. Concentrate more on how much money you make, what car you drive, how many times a week you go to the gym, how comfortable your bed is, and how many beers you can knock back in a night. Tell her whatever will impress her.

Most importantly, never ever ask a girl any questions about her, her interests, or what makes her tick etc. First of all, it's none of your business, and secondly, girls do not appreciate being treated as though they have a brain and can think for themselves. Only tell them things that require a simple smile, giggle, or nod of agreement. Mostly a woman will just want to listen to how amazing /you/ are. Please note, if you have no amazing or redeeming qualities, simply make some up. Women will want to believe you are a world-class doctor and how would they ever find out that you're not? If you're out on a date and she cuts her hand and looks to you, the good surgeon, and you faint at the sight of her blood, she only will realise what a truly sensitive man you are.

Picking a girl up is just too damn easy. ;-)

Lori Shea, Smooth Like Butta(fly) Staff Writer