[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]

Dear Newmoanyeah:

What's the best way to wipe your ass? Lean to one side and go in? And for men with hairy asses, wiping is so much more complicated. I mean, we were taught from such an early age as how to wipe! Who can remember that long ago! We need a re-teach into the art of ass-wiping!

Sincerely,
Harry P. Starfish
[Real name withheld by request. - Ed.]

To wipe without maternal assistance: lean to your preference and--with a front to back motion--use one thorough wipe per swab of toilet paper. Sing refrain of latest radio love song or rap sensation (children under eight [8] may swing feet) until desired cleanliness of excretion zone is achieved.

If you possess a full ass of hair: lather with shampoo, rinse, and repeat (if necessary).

If irritation ensues, discontinue wiping and see physician.

Do not wipe if you have heart problems, epilepsy, or did not poop in the first place.

Manolo Moreno, A Non-Ukranian Staff Writer

The best way to wipe is to simply not. I allude, of course, to the use of a bidet, pronounced bi-DAY. Many people mistake this bathroom fixture for a drinking fountain. Perhaps some have even used it as such. For those of you recognizing yourselves in this category, I highly recommend not sharing your error with others.

The bidet is ideal. Let's face it- hairy asses stand no chance with flimsy toilet paper. I imagine it is something akin to getting waterproof mascara off one's eyelashes, and we all know you need a lot more than tissue for that! A bidet also solves the problem of not refilling the toilet paper, a situation in which I'm sure we have all found ourselves. With a bidet, one need note question the efficacy of flushing Kleenex or using guest hand towels.

Lastly, women especially will enjoy a bidet. You just will. Trust me.

Missie Horal, Scattagoric Staff Writer

The best way to wipe your ass is top secret. So far, we know it involves three shells. But Officer Lenina Huxley wouldn't disclose any more information. If only Officer John Spartan had been a little more inquisitive we could of all been in the know!

Damn him.

Kenny Hamshaw, Caucassianal Staff Writer

I don't think it's so much in your technique but in the toilet paper products you use. That thin stuff you find in most public restrooms and where you work just doesn't have what it takes. You need to use the whole roll to do a good job and not leave any "tracks."

A good toilet paper is the key to making sure you do a good job and to not have to take care of it again later. I would even go so far as to recommend to some people that they go get baby-wipes.

Hey I swear by them and so do millions of moms when it comes to wiping babies' butts! So why not use them on grown-ups? One of the best inventions of the 20th century in my opinion.

Jennifer Saylor, Comic Conventional Staff Writer