[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]

Dear Newmoanyeah:

What's the deal with all those penis enlargement products filling up my inbox? I mean, I assume they don't work, but so many people seem to be making money on them. Is there anything to it?

Sincerely,
Will Itgroh
[Real name withheld by request. - Ed.]

Well, a better question would be:

"What's the deal with all those penis enlargement products filling up my inbox? I mean, I don't have a penis."

Janet Choi, Retro Cool Staff Writer

Ahh, the key word here is "assume." There are many quality penis enhancement products out there that will help you maximize your erect penis potential. While you may question why you receive all this penis enhancement spam, the question you really should be asking yourself is: "Which of these penis enhancement products is right for me?" In an effort to separate the spam from the real sausage-makers, I have conducted an informal poll of Upper East Side residents to find out which penile product New York prefers. My results are as follows:

Viagra - 39
Male Boost - 11
Longitude - 8
Maximus - 9
Derek Jeter's Hardball - 917

These results clearly show that you should never conduct a poll on a 4 train before a Yankees game. Regardless, the next time you get one of those spam-mails in your inbox, instead of unthinkingly deleting it, give it a try. You could end up surprising your loved one by giving her the most member-able experience of her life.

Jay Mastaitis, Tastes-Like-Burning Staff Writer

Interesting question, but I'm not sure what sort of advice you're asking for, so I'll assume that you're asking if your should look into any of these penis enlargement products for your own, er... for a friend (riiighhtt).

As we all know, everything on the internet is true and works, especially products advertised via spam. So, yeah, I'd definitely tell your friend to check them out. Also, tell your friend to email this advice to 15 people, and Bill Gates will personally accompany him to Disney World where your friend and his newly enlarged penis will enjoy Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Sincerely (oh no, really),
Kerry Sainato, Your Fuzzy Sarcastic Advice Columnist

I must admit that I started to feel a bit self-conscious once the penis enlargement spams started to roll into my E-mail inbox. Was this the work of some ex-girlfriend trying to get back at me? Or, worse yet, a current girlfriend trying to give me a subtle hint? Were they trying to imply that my 3½ inches of manhood wasn't sufficient enough to satisfy a woman?

Still, in spite of the demoralizing E-mails, I decided to keep my Johnson at its current length and girth. I mean, anything larger would certainly interfere with rigorous biannual sex schedule; could something of 5 inches in length even support itself without some sort of manual intervention? I think not.

So, it was not the mere promise of enlargement that caught my eye recently when a certain medical E-mail hit my inbox. It was not the promise of creating a 5-inch monstrosity between my legs that made me consider ordering from this latest E-mail. It was the promise of INSTANT gratification that made me shudder with both fear and excitement. This E-mail was promising an added 3 to 4 inches... OVERNIGHT!

While the E-mail failed to go into details as to how this miracle would be performed, I had no doubts that the offer was legitimate. We all know that the subject line of an E-mail is a sacred vow, a holy covenant even, and any claims made are bound to be entirely accurate. So, my heart began to wrestle with my mind over the thought of ordering (surprisingly, my loins remained entirely neutral during this steel-cage death-match, even offering my left testicle to officiate the fray.) You see, as a child, I dreamed of one day reaching the zenith of the professional world…yes, like most children, I yearned to star in the glamorous world of male pornography. Unfortunately, my well-within-the-realm-of-the-national-average-and-completely-functioning-and-satisfying 3 and ½ inches were not very photogenic, so I resorted to finding a job in customer affairs, abandoning any hope of ever being known by my nom de plume, Joel Hammercock.

And yet, it was the crushing realization of just how they were going to perform this overnight growth spurt that brought me back to reality. No, the realm of adult films would have to continue on without me, for I just wasn't able to go through the rigors that a penis-enlarging exercise involving a tether attached to a bungee cord would bring.

As this is an advice column, let me leave you with one last thought. If you are one of those unfortunate souls with a meagerly-sized penis; (say, anything 3¼ inches or smaller,) if the measure of yourself as a man cannot compare with an ample soul such as myself, I beg of you…do not go gently into that good night. Do not allow your shame to make you complacent. Women agree "size DOES matter!" So, go BIG now! New pill adds 1 to 3 inches to your penis! ADD 3 TO 4 INCHES OVERNIGHT! GUARANTEED!

Joel Why, Curious Staff Writer